Stepping into the Vast Unknown

“The journey of 1,000 miles begins with a single step.” Lao Tzu

Yesterday, I took that first step. Actually, it was more like a series of little hops and then one ginormous step. Yesterday, I took a DNA test.

To most people, this would never come into play. It would never be necessary. Most people already know where they came from, who their parents are and perhaps, know all too well, their siblings. They can look into their mother’s eyes and see their same shade of green. They can look at their dad’s receding hairline and know exactly what’s in store for them 20 years down the road. They can look at their siblings and be convinced that they were the ones dropped from another planet.

But I am not most people.

I know none of that.

After 41 years, I am finally ready or at least ready to try to find out more about myself.

Let me share with you what I know already and then, if you’re curious, you can come alongside and join me as I venture into the vast unknown. And you’d better buckle up, because I’m sure this is going to be a bumpy one!

WHERE IT BEGAN

I was born on November 7, 1975 in a small town in South Korea.  

I was born sometime in November or maybe even late October, 1975 in a small town in South Korea.

I was found abandoned near Dongducheon and brought to a nearby orphanage on November 20, 1975 and was given a name and an estimated birthday.

I spent about 7 months there before being adopted by a family in Minnesota.

I’ve often wondered about the woman who brought me into the world. Sometimes I would dwell on it so intently that my heart would feel like it was going to explode. I can’t imagine her pain and the anguish she suffered. I don’t know the circumstances regarding my abandonment, but when I became a mother for the first time, I could only start to grasp a small portion of what she may have felt. To bring a life into this world and then have to part with it for whatever reason. To always wonder what happened to that little baby girl.

WHAT I USED TO THINK

People often ask me if I would like to find her.

I have always felt like it would be nice. Nice to know, to get my questions answered. I envision a Q&A time where I fire away my burning questions and she responds with all the answers. We hug, part ways and life goes on. It’s always been about satisfying my curiosity and my wanting. But just recently, I’ve felt this pull, this tug, that it’s not about me at all. It’s about her. It’s about satisfying her curiosity and her wanting. Did the baby have a good life? Did I make the right decision?

WHAT LED TO THIS

Many years ago, I used what limited information I have and began poking around, trying to see if I could discover any new leads or connections relating to my birth. The agency my adoptive parents used basically told me that my records were lost in a fire or flood. Well, thank you for that helpful information, sir. I took it as confirmation that it was not meant to be. But just last week, I felt the urge to try again. I searched the name of the orphanage and got some very useful information. Thank you, google and what would I do without the internet.  I won’t go into detail, but through that site, I was put into contact with a group of people who also came through that orphanage at one point or another during its existence. Furthermore, I even found a person who was there at the same time as me. How {freaking} amazing is that?! Cribmates! I probably poked her a few times through the spindles or maybe we held hands. Both sound like something I would do!

A few months ago back in November, I asked my family for a DNA test for my birthday. I hesitated and waited and stalled. I hesitated and waited and stalled. But after the events of last week, I decided it was finally time. Time to put on the big girl pants and go for it. To stop being afraid – afraid of the outcome or lack of. Afraid of what I might find or not find.

Because what if what I do find is amazing?

WHAT I HOPE FOR

A friend once quoted this to me, and it has kindof become my motto for many things in life: “Better results through lowered expectations.”

And truly, I have none.

In a perfect world, I would love to find any brothers or sisters I might have. Shooting for the stars, I would love to know who my birth mom is and to reassure her that the most painful decision she ever had to make was the right one. And, although this is debatable by some, that I turned out okay!  But mostly, that I survived.

I lived.

Her sacrifice was not in vain.

WHAT NOW

So now I enter the season of waiting and wondering. I wait for the kit to get to the lab and to be processed. Then I wait for the results to get back to me, and then I analyze that data and upload it to a database and hope that there’s a match somewhere. And I wait. And it may lead to taking a different test from a different company but that’s just too much to think about right now, and I do NOT need one more thing to do. So I will just wait and wonder. And wonder while I wait.

I have some other things I am going to write about, so please feel  free to check back or even leave a comment or question below and I will do my best to respond!

Thank you for joining me on this crazy ride! 

See, even little baby me knew this was going to be an adventure! ↓